


Waiting

by tousleheadedpoet



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 13:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15931301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tousleheadedpoet/pseuds/tousleheadedpoet
Summary: A horde of dusklings is at the door, Lalli is still unconscious, and Emil is trapped and alone with his thoughts. Unfortunately, that's not a great place to be.Takes place between pages 946 and 954.





	Waiting

_We’re completely surrounded_ , he thought. _This is it_.  
Emil slowly picked up his rifle and returned to his perch on the toilet. He trained the gun on the door, ready for when it inevitably failed and the trolls burst through. _This is where we’re both going to die_. He felt a cold hand squeeze his insides. _In less than ten minutes, probably, I’m going to be dead_.

The dusklings scrabbled incessantly at the door. He could hear claws, teeth, and their pathetic cries of _food, food_. The sick fear in his stomach intensified. How many of them were there? Dozens. Maybe hundreds. Far too many for him to shoot all of them, even if they lined up nicely and came at him one at a time. He didn’t have that many bullets left. _There has to be something I can do! Some hope, some way out –_ but he had nothing. They were surrounded, cornered, helpless.

He glanced down at Lalli’s unconscious body. At least _he_ wasn’t afraid. His face just looked sort of blank, a little more unsettling than if he were peacefully asleep. “I bet you would know what to do. You would be able to get us out of this,” he said aloud. It was a lie, though. Even if they were both awake and at full strength, he didn’t see any way out. Still, Emil wished desperately that Lalli was still with him, in his mind. At least then he would have someone to talk to. He had never felt so alone in his life.

“ _Food! Food!_ ” shrilled the voices outside the door. Even above the rest of the noise, he could hear one of the dusklings gnawing and scraping its teeth against the door. He thought of how they had looked through the window, twisted, hideous; jagged teeth filling a mouth that took up half the troll’s body. How would those teeth feel, digging into his legs, his sides, his throat –? Emil shuddered. His hands and feet were growing cold now, as if he were already dead.

_Well, maybe there’s one way out._ He looked down at Lalli again, and inched the barrel of his gun away from the door until it pointed directly at his friend’s still face.

He immediately felt sick. He jerked the gun away, almost dropping it. “I can’t, I can’t,” he gasped. “You were right, my mind is too weak.” Tears pricked at his eyes like hot needles. “I can’t protect us, I can’t even get us out the coward's way.” So he couldn’t kill Lalli, and what were his other options? Shoot himself, and leave Lalli to die alone? Even more unthinkable. That left only one.

He clenched his hands to stop them trembling, and blinked hard – tears would just cloud his vision. Then he trained his gun back on the door. He would take the only option left to him: kill as many of these little _jävlarna_ as possible, and then die a warrior.

With this resolution, Emil straightened his back. He clutched his gun and stared straight at the door, closing one eye, then the other, testing what would give him the best aim at such close range. At the first splintering of wood, he would fire, again and again and again, and take as many trolls down with him as he could. A minute ticked by. Then another. The constant scratching and clamor of the dusklings began to scrape away at his courage as quickly as it scraped at the door.

“ _Förbannat_ ,” he complained to any gods that might be listening. “Couldn’t you at least let me die while I was brave?” He slumped slightly, and felt tears threatening again. “I never thought I’d die like this,” he said to no one in particular. “I guess I never really thought I’d die at all.” But now he was going to die, alone and afraid, torn apart by trolls. “I guess…” he faltered. Whatever he felt, he couldn’t say out loud, not that anyone could hear him anyway. And what was there left to say? That he wasn’t ready to die? No one ever was. That he was only nineteen and wanted to do so much more with his life? That he hoped his little cousins would never find out what had happened to him, and that they wouldn’t miss him too much? That he was sorry, so sorry, for dragging Lalli down and getting him stuck and trapped and killed, that it was all his fault and if he hadn’t been such an idiot Lalli would probably be at the extraction point right now, alive and well and safe and he should have just left him to die on the ice, everything was his fault and he wished how desperately he wished that he could go back and change it was all his fault he was so sorry –

A crash and a sharp crack as a duskling hurled itself at the door. It wouldn’t be long now before it gave out. Emil scrubbed the tears out of his eyes and sat up straight again. There was no point in regret. He had done his best, done everything he could. It hadn’t been enough, but he couldn’t do anything about that now. Maybe it would be enough to earn him a place in Valhalla, or wherever the hell swedes go when they die. Maybe he could go with Lalli to Tuon-whatever it was. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.

He looked down at Lalli again. One last time, he thought. “I know it’s selfish, but I’m glad you’re here with me. We can die together, at least.” He heard the pitch of his voice rising in fear, and hated it. _All this time to prepare myself and I still can’t die bravely. I wish it would just happen already. I can’t stand this waiting_. Another loud crack, and he heard the wood start to splinter. The dusklings’ yips grew more sharp and frantic. Any minute now.

Emil aimed his gun, keeping both eyes open, and waited for death.


End file.
